By Debra Kram-Fernandez, Team WHL Planning Committee

The November 2021 SUNY ESC Whole Health Living (WHL)* virtual café addressed how we manage conflict in this polarized time, particularly around the holidays. Some of the strategies that emerged through our conversations are shared below.

1. Self-awareness. Know what your triggers might be before you are triggered and unable to think clearly and in a constructive problem-solving manner. Become aware of things like:
1. Where do you tend to feel stress in your body? Where in your body do you feel anger, frustration, or irritation, and what does it feel like as the emotion ramps up?
2. What other physical cues let you know you are revving up? For instance, sweating, legs shaking, or shortness of breath?
3. What is the content of your thoughts when your emotions are escalating in a negative way?
2. Consider meditation or taking some deep and slow breaths. A great way to enhance our self-awareness around feeling states is through mindfulness and meditative practices. There are many free apps that provide beginning meditation programs. Through these kinds of practices, you can begin to identify what helps you stay clear, grounded, in-the-moment, and able to de-escalate arguments and communicate with clarity and empathy.
3. Is there a trusted person who will be at your family gatherings who might notice if you are getting upset? What would alert that person if you were revving up? A furrowed eyebrow? An additional helping of chocolate pecan pie? Tuning out? What’s your poker-tell—the give-away to a trusted other regarding what you might be experiencing? (Rothchild, 2000). What might this trusted other be able to do to help? Some people like a shoulder hug or an opening to leave the conversation. Some people prefer to be left to manage on their own. What is the best way a trusted other can help? Tell them.
4. Have a plan. The more you know what buttons of yours can get pushed, the more you can strategize ahead of time how to manage them. For instance, if you know that Uncle Pete is going to make a thoughtless and uninformed comment about (fill in the blank), and you know he is doing it solely to provoke a reaction, and you know that he does not wish to engage in an exchange of ideas where you might both learn and grow and deepen your understanding of an issue, then what’s your plan?
1. If you want to engage in a family yelling spree, no judgement. (Maybe you are Uncle Pete)! But if that will ruin your holiday dinner, what’s another plan?
2. Consider, when and where does this usually occur? Is it when he and/or you are drinking? Is it when someone brings up a completely unrelated issue from which he or you will want to deflect? Is it when he gets you alone in the kitchen? Is it when you both want Grandpa Irwin’s attention? What are your options?
3. Can you easily redirect the conversation with a planned (and maybe rehearsed) topic changer? “Did you see the latest episode of NCIS?” “Can you believe how (insert favorite sport team) is doing this season?” “Let’s get the kids together and help them build a gingerbread house!” (Note: bring an emergency gingerbread house kit or a game).
4. Can you make sure your partner knows not to leave you alone chatting with him?
5. Can you take a deep breath and say the alphabet backwards in your head? Visualize an ocean wave breaking at the shore? Have an excuse on hand, “forgive me, I need to run out and take care of the dishes?”

And, if you are lucky enough to have some family members who differ from you politically, but are genuinely interested in learning, growing, changing, and you are as well; perhaps agree on some ground rules for constructive conversations. You might consider agreeing to:

• Listen without interrupting.
• Listen to understand.
• Listen with intent to learn.
• Listen with compassion.
• Agree to disagree.

How amazing if you can find your areas of common ground and problem solve together. If you can do that, you just might change the world and make it a better place! In either case, be sure to find your avenues for fun! Laugh, rejuvenate, and focus on the things you are grateful for in the inevitably imperfect but wonderful beings you get to call friends and family!

“Conflict can inspire growth and positive change. Many would agree that resolving conflict is essential for peace and stability.”  (Marketing blurb for November café).

 

* A few years ago, a group of faculty, staff, and students began meeting regularly to discuss ways to expand health and wellness opportunities across the college. This small group morphed into the Whole Health Living Planning Committee. Two of our more visible contributions are the monthly SUNY ESC Whole Health Living Café (usually the second Monday of each month) and The Whole Health Living One Year Residency, which is in its inaugural year. We hope you will join us! To register for a WHL café, click Whole Health Living FREE Seminar Series at SUNY Empire (esc.edu).

 

For information about the Whole Health Living Residency please contact:

Lori McCaffrey 518-587-2100 ext. 5944 Lori.McCaffrey@esc.edu www.esc.edu/WholeHealthRes

 

The virtual cafés are an opportunity for all Empire State College community members and beyond to come together to focus on different dimensions of Whole Health Living, explore ideas, challenge assumptions, and make connections with others who find these conversations relevant, compelling, and inspirational. The Whole Health Living (WHL) Planning Committee is comprised of Stacey Gallagher, JD (Lecturer in Cultural Studies), Dr. Anamaria Ross (Lecturer in Human Services), Bhuwan Onta (Prior Learning Assessment Specialist), David Caso, (Associate Director of Community Standards and Engagement), Matthew Berge (PRODIG Intern, ESC alum, and current graduate student), and Dr. Debra Kram-Fernandez (Associate Professor in Human Services).

 

Reference:  Rothchild, B. (2000). The Body Remembers. WW Norton: NY.